Holding tight and letting go.

In my previous post I mentioned that many times over the last few weeks I have sat down hoping to write something inspiring and heart felt, but the words didn't come. I was beginning to feel like I had been a fool to think that this "blogging" thing was for me. Perhaps I had said all that I had to say, knowing deep down that this could not be the case because my mind is always turning frantically with thoughts. Sometimes the thoughts make total sense, other times, they are just random thoughts that make sense only in my head. I hoped to spare all of you from those thoughts and reserve this blog for only the important, thought provoking, inspiring ones that make sense to all of us.

Over the last few weeks, especially the last few days, I have also felt very attacked. The struggles that had such a strong hold on me in the past had crept back into my mind and my heart. Sin, that I thought I had conquered once and for all, was back, with a vengeance I might add. I have been discouraged, deflated, feeling the guilt consume my thoughts and my heart. "How could you allow that back into your life?" I asked. "What kind of a christian woman are you anyway?" I muttered to myself in anger and disgust. Then it hit me, like a brick wall, the enemy wants nothing more then for me to feel these things. Don't get me wrong, I am not blaming the enemy for my opening the door fully and completely when this particular sin came knocking, I did it, with a willing heart, but the enemy sure cheered for me when I did. I gave him a foothold, and he managed to increase the problem. ARGH........SIGH.......

I am working through this right now. I know that my loving Father has forgiven me and that I have no right to hang onto it and not forgive myself, however, I am finding that very difficult. Why do we hang onto things? Why do we feel that it is necessary sometimes to carry guilt around for a bit longer, to dig the knife in a little bit farther, do we think that God doesn't get it? That He didn't really understand how bad we were? That even though we asked Him to forgive us, we truly didn't deserve it and he didn't know that? HE GETS IT, HE UNDERSTANDS, HE KNOWS!! We have no right to hold to things once we have sought His forgiveness, once we have surrendered whatever it is to Him.


I love the song "Perfect People" by Natalie Grant. It speaks to me every time I hear it. I think all too often that I need to be perfect and when I fall short of perfection......hello....EVERYDAY, EVERY SECOND.......I need to hang on and suffer for it. I forget the fact that Jesus already suffered, that He gave His precious life for my life. He does not expect us to hang on the way we do, His arms are reaching for us to give it to Him, fully and completely, so that His love and forgiveness can fall over us and bring us peace.



Father,

I pray that your peace would fall on me today. Forgive me for holding on when I have no right to do this. Forgive me for my sins. Thank you Jesus for going to the cross for me, for shedding your blood for me, even though I am so undeserving. Thank you for loving me despite my imperfections. I love you. Amen.

Abundant Blessings,